If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Pass gas, not judgment.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop