It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart