It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
You Might Also Like
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.