If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
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My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The old gods are rising again.