*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”