When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Running from your problems is cardio .