You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit