Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
“What movie?” 🤔
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.