[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.