The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
You Might Also Like
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.