him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
drew a comic about my origin story
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
the last thing a carrot sees
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything