I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Come back with a warrant
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign