[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
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I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man