My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
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Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*