rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
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[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.