him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
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“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
This made me chuckle.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
For when Tinder doesn’t work