MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
You Might Also Like
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
We all have our pet causes.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet