Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
It’s a gift
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.