I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
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godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.