I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Dune (2021)
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way