Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Bit chilly again tonight.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.