*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart