My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.