It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
felt cute might bury dad later idk
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”