My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.