Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.