[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
You Might Also Like
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to