“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket