You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat