Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I hate when that happens.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either