16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.