Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
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If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.