they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
You Might Also Like
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.