When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I didn’t realize that was an option
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
my favorite genre of twitter
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t