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If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
kitchen magnet
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run