“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
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*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Ferrari squats
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.