if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
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Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material