People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
You Might Also Like
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.