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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
This took me a second..
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
my professor scared me for a second
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.