i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
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Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Dune (2021)
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.