Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
inside you are two wolves
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing