How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
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I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Love is in the air fryer.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.