You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym