Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
(by @ZachWeiner )
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.