“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO