Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Rather alarming headline…
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
They’re on their honeymoon
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.