i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
LOL
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.