me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.