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I have a black belt in leather
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Help Wanted
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.