Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.